Home / Aforismi / ‘Cinque giorni di naturale benessere’.

‘Cinque giorni di naturale benessere’.

Intanto per metà popolazione femminile non sono cinque, ma sette/dieci, poi, ‘naturale benessere’ un cazzo.
Che c’è di naturale benessere? Le lenzuola colorate di porpora senza uso di molluschi?
Dovete sapere che quando una donna ha le mestruazioni, lo ripeto per quelle persone che considerano questa parola tabù: mestruazioni (che poi: minchia ridono i maschi quando sentono questa parola? Imbecilli), va incontro a situazioni veramente drammatiche.

Prima di tutto un assorbente non basta, perché non basta mai, se il terzo giorno indossi solo un assorbente ti ritrovi il culo abbronzato che puzza d’aceto marcio, quindi devi decidere:
aceto marcio o culo che sembra quello di tua nonna?
Perché di assorbenti ne servono due ed il culo s’ingrandisce di tre volte. In più mangi, perché hai fame, e senti tua madre che borbotta: «eh, sempre a mangiare!», quindi ti sale il nervoso e mangi il doppio. Ingrassi. Vai in depressione perché sei ingrassata. Non fai colazione la mattina perché tua madre ha già fatto girare le palle, o meglio le ovaie. A scuola decidi di mangiare qualcosa. Ti vedono mangiare più del solito. «Quanto mangi?». Rabbia. Sclero. Sterminio.
Poi sono bellissimi i maschi che rispondono: «Ma sono solo mestruazioni! Un po’ di sangue!»
Sai, caro mio, che potrebbe uscire anche a te sangue dal pisello, con castrazione a freddo senza anestesia, vogliamo provare?
Poi abbiamo sempre il terrore di sporcare e sporcare, giochi a carte con i vecchietti al bar? Ti devi alzare? Occhio felino, fai finta di girarti indietro con: «…ma che cazzo c’è…?», vedi che non c’è sangue e ti siedi nuovamente. E se la sedia è macchiata? Panico.
«Dai maria, andiamo!»
«No, no, sto bene qua!»
«Ma dai, bisogna andare…»
«Ho detto che sto bene qua! Ho sedici anni, posso anche decidere se stare al bar o no? E questo è ciò che hai sempre fatto per me! Decidere e decidere! Non volevo il castello di barbie ma il ‘canta tu’,
e non volevo lo scettro di Doremì, ma ‘Gira la moda’! Hai sempre scelto per me, sempre!».
Insomma, ti ritrovi a fare discorsi assurdi, privi di senso, perché non puoi alzarti, non puoi! E comunque ho sempre voluto ‘Gira la moda’, ma per i miei genitori erano soldi sprecati. Maledetti. A quest’ora sarei divenuta una stilista famosa ed avrei creato prime di reggiseno fantastiche, gratis, con tanto di diamanti. Alla faccia delle maggiorate: morissero.
Ah, per quanto riguarda il seno, sì, quando abbiamo le mestruazioni son due bombe, sfortunatamente il ragazzo che ci piace, quando abbiamo ‘ste palle da bowling, non ci guarda minimamente, al massimo guarda il culo della nonna e neppure si accorge delle mozzarelle di bufala che abbiamo sul petto, in quei giorni non siete affamati? No, stronzi.
Ma comunque, il fatto di avere le nostre cose, ci colora tutta la giornata.
Ti fai un bagno? Vasca rosa. Poi, ovviamente, ti devi asciugare? Asciugamano rosa. Gocce n’hai? Pavimento rosa. Pisci? Pisci rosa! Caghi? Stronzi in cravatta rosa!
Tutto fottutamente rosa! Una vita alla hello kitty! Ecco perché odio questa merda di gatta.
Poi, per tutti i ragazzi che stanno leggendo questo sclero, non azzardatevi mai, mai, dico mai a toccare la pancia ad una ragazza. Mai.
Toccare la pancia ad una donna, mentre ha le mestruazioni, è… è… Sapete, penso che non ci sia furia comparabile a quella di una donna alla quale viene sottoposta tale infamia, come farvi eccitare e poi dirvi che abbiamo le nostre cose, che se vi scopriamo a fare pugnette in bagno vi lasciamo.
Per i fidanzati, beh, la donna con le mestruazioni non ragiona, anzi, ragiona il doppio, il cervello le va in tilt, i mille neuroni impazziscono.
Fai il carino e coccoloso? La stai per tradire. Fai il freddo? La stai per lasciare.
Ogni cosa sarà a vostro rischio e pericolo, bhe, condoglianze.
Questione da non sottovalutare: le donne con le mestruazioni hanno sbalzi d’umore pazzeschi.
«Allora, che ti è successo?»
«No, guarda, è complicato»
«Dimmi, tranquilla!»
«Non so se potrò ancora continuare questa vita, ormai sembra tutto così spento»
«Ma cosa stai dicendo?! Mi metti paura, che succede?»
«Io metto paura a te? Tu non sai quanta paura ho io, di notte, paura di andare in bagno, di cadere»
«Oddio, spiegati! Dimmi, sono qua!»
«È tutto spento»
«Cioè?»
«La notte è troppo oscura per camminare senza luce. Si è fulminata la lampada di camera e sembra impossibile vivere».
In più, ancora devo capire le immagini sulle confezioni degli assorbenti: due occhi.
Ma che cazzo spiegano due occhi? La mia cara ‘Lines seta ultra’.
Ma dove la vedi la seta, dove? Sembra tenere della lana fra le mutande, d’estate poi che suda tutto e suda pure lì, uno sfiatamento tremendo.
Ci vorrebbero gli assorbenti Geox, “l’assorbente che respira”.
Fantastico.

– Delirium

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